Book Review: My Heart And Other Black Holes
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My Heart And Other Black Holes
by Jasmine Warga
To be fair I am actually giving this book 3.5 stars, and not a flat out 3, to represent the love/hate relationship that I struggled with althroughout this book. In the end I decided that at some parts I did like it but I didn't fall in love with it. Read ahead.
SYNOPSIS
Aysel has been suffering depression after a very public incident that involved someone who played such a huge part in her life - her own father. Aysel's dad, who according to the connotations present in the book was also suffering some sort of mental illness and spikes of violent tendencies, murdered the town's teen star athlete who was said to be on his way to the Olympics. Because of such, Aysel carries the guilt with her and completely shuts herself down from everyone. Some part of her even wonders if she'll end up like her father too. Not wanting to carry the burden any longer and actually convincing herself that her family and everyone is just better off without her existence, Aysel decides to just put an end to her misery. However, she feels as though she cannot do it alone. Discovering a website that featured a section called Suicide Partners, she pretty much saw that as the solution to her current dilema. There she meets FrozenRobot or also known as Roman in real life. Guided by their suicide pact, they plan the details of their death and soon divulged to one another their individual reasons for living, or rather, leaving (in a permanent sense).
My Heart and Other Black Holes started so amazingly well. And if for some reason you missed the emphasis on amazing there, I will let this .gif do the talking.
2. The Science/Physics Angle - I must admit I was a bit skeptical as to how physics and science would be incorporated in a book that centers on depression but as it turns out, Warga has some tricks up her sleeve and gave us something that is a balance of both with a refreshing take on the matter. The physics blended perfectly with the entire ambiance of the story and it provided another layer to Aysel's character.
Also, this line.
(Thank you, Louis CK)
THE GOOD
1. The honesty in writing - I was directly sucked into the plot with its gritty and honest description of depression. The main character's haunting thoughts just slaps you in the face with the reality of how twisted depression can actually be. Aysel doesn't feed you bullshit philosophical thoughts rather, she brings you face to face with her inner demons. She's just staggeringly upfront with what she's experiencing and it is so incredibly on point and candid that it just blew my freaking mind.
The very first chapters of the book exposed depression as the utter horror that it is. Not something that is beautiful or even poetic.
I don't want a long death; I want an instant one. I'm a coward like that.
The very first chapters of the book exposed depression as the utter horror that it is. Not something that is beautiful or even poetic.
There's no significance. Anyone who has actually been that sad can tell you that there's nothing beautiful or literary or mysterious about depression.
Having suffered depression in key moments of my life and having people who are very close to me continuouly battle the same, I understand the depth of Aysel's internal struggle and I want to commend Warga for writing such a realistic and relatable character. Aysel's voice is haunting and snarky and twisted and just an all around, achingly familiar, spot on depiction of a teenager who is suffering clinical depression and who does not really have anybody to confide to about it.
What people never understand is that depression isn't about the outside; it's about the inside. Something inside me is wrong. Sure, there are things in my life that makes me feel alone, but nothing makes me feel more isolated and terrified than my own voice in my head.
2. The Science/Physics Angle - I must admit I was a bit skeptical as to how physics and science would be incorporated in a book that centers on depression but as it turns out, Warga has some tricks up her sleeve and gave us something that is a balance of both with a refreshing take on the matter. The physics blended perfectly with the entire ambiance of the story and it provided another layer to Aysel's character.
But the issue is I can't figure out what happens to all that energy when we'r gone if it can't be destroyed. My stomach churns at the thought.
THE BAD
Let's get on with it, shall we.
(Don't read this part if you haven't finished reading the book or have not read the book at all. Major spoilers and extreme unfiltered emotions ahead. You have been warned. Read at your on risk. )
1. Love is the cure for everything!!!!! - Everything was basically perfect with this book and at 75%, I was more than ready to include it in my 'life has been changed, soul has been touched, mind has been blown' list of books. But this book just proved to me that no matter how epicly you started a book, with strong relatable characters and an interesting science/philosophy/depression blend to boot, it is never too late to fuck it all up...with a sprinkle of romance.
If you asked me how it happened? I would actually have no shit of a clue to tell you but from what I got from the book, Aysel just saw a sketch of herself done by Roman and she admits to herself that she has feelings for him. Ladies and gentlemen, that's when it happens - something inside her shifts, the stars align, there's an explosion in the cosmos because for some immaculate reason the slug (depression) that is inside her starts to go away and everything is good in the world because alas, love is the cure to everything!!!!!!
I should've expected for this to happen. This book is after all a YA and as much as it pains me to say it, it is almost impossible to find a young adult book whose central conflict is not overshadowed by the magical glory of love (I am looking at you TFIOS).
I would've very much preferred for the romance to not be there at all to be honest. What Aysel really needed at that crucial point in her life was someone to be there for her, to listen to her, to understand her and most importantly to accept her with all her baggages and flaws. What I learned with my personal encounter with depression is that it is utterly vital for you to have a support system. Someone who gets ALL of you without having to spill your demons out and flair them out to the world. I am fortunate enough to say that I have that person in my life and I do get that the author wanted to form that sort of connection with Aysel and Roman, I just really hoped that she didn't jump into the YA bandwagon of romanticizing every affliction just because it makes it a good story. Because it does not. Because let us face it, it's not realistic and it provides a misrepresentation of how mental illnesses work. Most importantly, it gives out a damaging and detrimental message. I am with someone who has battled (and is still battling) with depression all his life and yes, we do have pretty great moments but being in a relationship didn't magically cure his depression at all, it didn't wash away the sadness. It is still there and there's no on and off switch; one day he is fine and other times he isn't and I ventured into this relationship knowing that sublime fact. I am just very disappointed with how this book tried to play out the impossible.
2. Plot holes, plot holes everywhere - I dont know if a chunk load of pages fell off from my copy but with proper inspection everything seems to be in tact except for the book's storyline that is. Oops.
The sequence of events near the end of the book was just a blur to me. It makes it seem as though the author took her time writing the very first chapters and just rushed pass the succeeding chapters having very little idea as to where it is heading. There's so many loose ends that needed closure, so many questions that needed to be answered and heaps more of relevant subject matter that could've been expounded but instead it was overshadowed by the unneccessary romance.
The fact that we never really had a closure as to what happened between Aysel and her dad just bothers me so much. Her father was basically the reason as to why Aysel spiralled into depression into the first place so it would just make sense for her father to actually make an appearance and explain everything BUT NO! Rather, he is referred to in such a passive manner that he actually just fades into the background, totally forgotten whatsoever. The question as to why he did it was never answered, which to me, would've given Aysel more of a peace of mind than someone she just met a month ago telling her she's not her father's mistake. I just don't get the author's logic for excluding that vital piece of the plot. But all is good because Aysel and Roman are so in love and decide to live together, right?
There was SO much I wanted the book to include like seeing Aysel talk to her dad (and whatever the hell happened to him), Aysel finally getting to know more about her sister Georgia and letting other people enter her life, Aysel finally seeking help for her mental illness, how the dynamics between her family changed after a heart to heart with her mother and and and... (I could probably come up with a hefty list of what to write here but I'll spare you from that). At 90% I can pretty much feel myself bursting at the seams with utter rage. Oh blame me not.
3. Character/s - I will definitely not deny the character development as manifested by Aysel because it was very blatant though it appeared rushed to the point of sloppy by the end of the book. I am, however, very conflicted with what I feel for Roman. He, like everyone else in the book, is obviously not as developed as Aysel's character. I get him, I do, but I must admit that there were numerous times in the book where he disturbed and irked the shit out of me. He kept instigating moves that would be bound to make Aysel like him but then reminded her of the plan, the PLAN, THE PLAN!!! thereafter.
You know this can't change anything right? This type of happiness is fake, it's fleeting. We need to remember why we want to die. I need to remember Maddie. And you need to remember your reasons.
Also, this line.
"You're you. You get it. you get all of it. And you're sad like me, and screwed up as that is, it's pretty beautiful." He reaches over and brushes his hand across my face, touching my hair. "You're like a gray sky. You're beautiful, even though you don't want to be."
Here we go again with the romanticization. She liked Aysel because she mirrored his desire to die. She reflected his sadness and she gave him a semblance of beauty despite of the pain. But try as I may, I wanted to just shrug this one out and remind myself that this character is battling depression and twisted thoughts like this are gonna spike up every now and then. So chill, I did.
As for the other characters, I actually adored them as passive as they were mentioned in the book. I was craving to learn more about Georgia, Mr. Scott, Mr. & Mrs. Franklin, Mike and even her mother. But then again they are just additional names to the list of casualties brought to you by the unneccessary romance. Sighs.
My Heart and Other Black Holes could have been so much more than just another YA book about depression. It could've been a book that people would turn to to be able to grasp an inkling of what it's like to be depressed. The descriptions were vivid, genuine and spot on. However, it morphed itself into a romanticized teen love story featuring depression and then buzzkilled all my hopes. I am all for love, I really am! If only we could really cure depression with love, I would soak up Jesse and suffocate him with every ounce of romance in the fiber of my being (not saying I don't already do that, wink wink) but sadly the world doesn't work like that. Bad cards are handed to you and you're forced to deal with it. The real question here is What happens to all the potential energy of a book when it fucks up? It turns into an angry, lengthy, kinetic review.
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